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While posting in the main forum about homosexuality (and trying to keep this stuff in the right place), and my mom never telling me she loved me, I wondered what experience others have had.
I don’t remember hearing either of my parents say they loved us. I really knew my dad because I was "daddy’s little girl," last in the family of four, and born to them when they were in their 40s. But my mom was a different story. Although, at the time it never occured to me, I realize now that I never heard it. Maybe it wasn’t that "popular" in those days (40s and 50s) as it is today.
In their defense, I don’t remember ever telling my kids either until they became grown-ups themselves. My oldest son went to a kind of new-age, self-help group when he got divorced and he was the first to start saying "I love you" at the end of a phone conversation. Well, you can’t just hear that and not respond in kind. So then it started with him, went to the rest of the family, and now it’s perfectly normal and natural saying good-bye on the phone or in person to end with "I love you." And it has crept into the rest of our lives and conversations too.
It didn’t come up much in our marriage either. Well, except, uh, you know, when we were, uh, well, you know… :o) In fact, my friend warned me after I was divorced and started dating in the "free-love" 70s that you never take a man seriously when he says "I love you" during or after sex!!! He DOESN’T MEAN IT!
I’ve noticed it’s not just our family and I now hear most people talking to their parents, kids, and spouses say it now too. So I’m wondering how this came about.
Back to the subject here, I never doubted that my parents (and DH) loved me but wondered why they never said so. Anyone else have this experience? Opinions?
I can’t recall my parents ever saying it, although I know they loved me and my sibs to pieces. I don’t come from an outwardly demonstrative family, and I’m not that way either.
My parents told me all the time. I remember when I was little I’d always have to kiss them good night. Once when I was about 6 I was at my aunts and went to kiss them good night, they looked at me like I had 3 yes and horns. They never showed any affection to their kids at all. No bedtime rituals or signs of affection at all. I don’t know when my parents and I stopped saying I love you but I do know I wanted to say it a few times but it felt awkward. I think I just didn’t want to bring attention to it. Before my dad died I needed to tell him and one morning I went to his room at the hospital before I started my shift. He was half out of it and his foot was stuck in the siderail. I got his foot out and told him I loved him. He looked right at me and told me he loved me too. Later that day he was in a coma and died the next morning. I’m so glad I went with my gut and told him rather than keeping it in and regretting it.
children. We were scolded when needed and spanked on occasion; but always heard "I love you". My Mom was a stay-at-home Mom who never learned to drive a car. Dad went off to work at the state highway department building roads. We didn’t have a lot of money, but there was always enough of whatever we needed. As a parent and grandparent now, I look back and wonder how my parents were able to provide so much on so little. When we grew up and got married, my two older brothers married females who eventually were at odds with each other for petty reasons. It got so bad 20 years ago, Mom started having two separate days for Christmas to keep them apart. Of course, it also separated them from family for all gatherings and we missed out on the growing up of my oldest brother’s three children. We actually ended up in family counseling at the urging of one of my younger sisters, which brought my two brothers back together and the rest of us siblings rallied round both of them. It wasn’t until one of my SIL’s got cancer (which she survived) that she realized the rest of our family was there for her. The real blessing through all of this is that we all got back together and were a loving and fun-loving family for the last years of my Dad’s life. Now, we never end a phone conversation with each other without saying "I love you". Mom is 89 now and she’s the center of our universe! Each of us siblings enjoy getting together; the nieces and nephews are great friends; and the great nieces and great nephews have a riot when we have our family get-togethers!
Our son is 32 and has a 5 1/2 year old son and a one year old daughter with his wonderful wife of 9 years. We all tell each other "I love you" all the time. The little ones love to hug and I melt when they rush to me for a squeeze! Life is good!
although I never heard the words, there were always physical signs of affection. When I got older, my husband, some friends, and some acquaintances mentioned how odd they thought it was that everyone (relatives) kissed each other on the lips. We even kissed aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. To this day, my kids kiss their dad and me on the lips (spouses and g.kids get kisses on the cheek) when they come in and when they leave, to thank us for a gift, for a good dinner, for watching the kids, etc.
And when I was little, one of my fondest memories was of sitting on daddy’s lap while he read the paper. Or laying on my mom’s lap (even as a teen) and she would play with my hair. I guess that’s how I know I was loved, just didn’t hear it.
Consequently, my biggest regrets in life are that I put more emphasis on disciplining my kids instead of showing them more love and affection. I can only hope that I’m making up for it now.
I too have great memories of sitting on my mom’s lap while she combed my hair or just sang to me. My dad would "play the piano" on my ribs if I laid across his lap. I also remember on nights my mom was out I would get in thier with my dad and watch Johnny Carson with my head on his stomach and feel his stomach rise and fall with each breath. If anyone today heard me say that they’d think my dad was a pediophile but back in the 60’s a father could show his little princess attention without it being twisted around.
My ex father-in-law loved to kiss on the lips and it would creep me out. When my ex and I were dating and even after we got married we were on a bowling league. His father, wanting to be one of the guys joined the team and he’d always insist on sitting next to me and would start with his hip and thigh on my leg and slide off until he was sitting right against me. I’d sit someplace where there wasn’t enough room and he’d still find a way. When we’d go to their house everyone had to kiss goodbye but I’d be out the door and down the steps before they could get to me. I just didn’t want that man’s body touching mine in any way. I told my ex about my feelings and he said I had a right to feel that way because his ex girlfriend told him that his father once slipped his tongue in her mouth. Before we got married I was at their house for dinner wth my parents and my mom insists she saw his father and sister in the hall kissing and it looked to be more than a father/daughter kiss.
It was like that for our family too growing up, I love you wasn’t said, I mean I knew my parents loved me but we never said it. I thought it was weird, one of my friends, I would go over to her house and they would always say I love you whether they were leaving or hanging up on the phone. Not until I was diagnosed with cancer, after that we have been saying I love you all the time. It doesn’t feel weird anymore!
I love all you guys too! LOL!
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