- This topic has 14 replies, 9 voices, and was last updated 14 years, 5 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
I hope this doesn’t bother anyone, but my husband did (actually didn’t) do something today and it really bothers me, I can’t sleep.
Today was my birthday and he forgot. Birthdays have never been a real big deal to him and I respect that he doesn’t want to do much for his, but I’ve always told me it’s important to me. Yesterday when I asked if he had anything planned, he had no idea what I was talking about. So after some private crying and a little self-pity, I was straight with him and said it really hurt my feelings. I have always told him it doesn’t have to be a BIG deal, just something to make the day special and different. He said that he thought of doing many things a couple weeks back and then got busy with the 4th of July weekend and forgot.
So we went the whole day and I think he might have said Happy Birthday this morning, but no dinner plans, didn’t bring a cake home or anything. We had talked about having dinner with friends on Saturday, so I asked if he’d talked to anyone about that and he said he forgot again.
He is a great father and great husband in many ways. He just says this is really hard for him and apologizes. I feel like he uses that as a cop-out and doesn’t really try, though. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I am honest and direct with him but he is ignoring my feelings. I know the sting will go away in a few days, but right now it hurts worse because everyone else is remembering my birthday and it just reminds me of how little this day seems to matter to my husband.
Thanks for listening.
I had a similar situation in reverse. I was sick and time got away from me last year and I didn’t get my husband a birthday card or gift. In my defense I was sleeping 16-18 hours a day for over a week (found out I was diabetic and glucose was over 400) but he was really hurt. No matter how much I apologized and cried that I was sorry he wouldn’t let me forget that I forgot and didn’t care. I did send him an e-card but it was too late and the damage was done.
I can understand you’re being hurt but as someone who does put things off until "later" and then time gets away from me I also know how he might have forgotten or neglected to get things done sooner.
His birthday is this Sunday and I’ve got a broken foot and can’t drive so I’m unable to get out and get him a card again this year. Hopefully he’ll be making a trip to the store in the next couple of days and I can tag along and get him one. I already got and gave him his gift.
I know it’s not the same as someone remembering on their own but if you have a calendar that he looks at, put your name and birthday. I don’t know the age of your kids, but have them remind him a few days ahead. If he uses a computer with date reminders, FB etc. set it up to remind him. Last resort, you could do what some of my friends have done – go shopping and buy your own present and tell everyone it’s from your husband –including him.
Is there another reason that he forgot? Like did he feel financially that he couldn’t spend any additional money this year? I know he could have done a note or something but he might not feel that was good enough. Does he have a learning disability or some other thing like that where he just doesn’t attend to those things? Maybe a secretary to remind him? Is he dealing with some work stress that he can only focus on that?
You said that birthdays weren’t a big deal to him so maybe he just doesn’t get what a big deal they are to many people? You also said he said he’d thought about it before the 4th but then forgot and didn’t make the plans for the other dinner out – sounds like he is stressed about something and that is impacting his focus on you and a social life.
In general, it sounds like more is going on with him.
Happy Belated Birthday!
a birthday is just 1 day a year; what is really important is how you are treated all the rest of the time. You said that your husband was a great father and a great husband in many ways, so maybe you can try to concentrate on that and cut him a little slack on the birthday forgetfulness. Perhaps you could plan a special ‘little intimate’ dinner for the 2 of you; make your birthday so special for him that he will look forward to it next time. Anything is better than hanging on to your hurt feelings and letting it become a major problem. Happy Birthday and best wishes.
Goody
I used to say that if your spouse forgot your birthday it’s your own fault because if they are the type that can overlook special days like that, you need to remind them several times in advance. However, it looks like you did do that…so…
My son is the same way. He says b.days aren’t anything special for him and doesn’t mind not getting a gift, cake, or anything else. I said to him, "But, it IS special to the rest of us and it really hurts when you forget about us." So he does try very hard to remember. It sounds like your hubby is in this category. While it doesn’t make you feel any better, what you are doing now, the hurt feelings, the self-pity, etc., however warrented, is only making you feel bad.
Now, the part I’m good at…giving advice! What I’d do in the future is discuss with him (again) how much your special day means to you, how hurt you are when he forgets, and to prevent this from happening again in the future you will: 1. Remind him a week in advance and again the day before. 2. Buy your own b.day gift (as expensive as you/he can afford*). 4. Bake or buy your own b.day cake. 5. Invite friends and relatives to celebrate with you. 6. Make a big deal in front of everybody what a great hubby you have to do all this for you and flash him a big smile when you do. 7. Understand that he has so many other good qualities that you can overlook this small one and make a game of it.
Happy Birthday.
*I used to do this frequently at Christmas. If I saw something I really liked, I’d buy it, wrap it up and put from DH on the tag. When I’d open it, he’d just look at me with this very quizical expression on his face. He finally caught on and would wink at me whenever I did it.
Hanging on to bad feelings over one day is one thing, but if he’s a good man the other 364 days of the year, that’s more important than not making a huge fuss over a birthday.
My mother used to drive us crazy over "occasions"… she still does. Me, I don’t care. My ex-husband’s family don’t seem to make a big deal over birthdays and anniversaries and I learned early on that these things often pass without mention. My kids’ grandparents rarely ever send cards or gifts on time. They do send them, but my son whose birthday is in April, received his card in July – with my daughter’s (her b’day is in July). My kids as a result, don’t make a big stink over birthdays either – which is a good thing since these days we can’t afford even a few extras.
Even up til this year, I would give my ex-husband the day off (we own a business together) on his b’day and Father’s day and he’d spend it with our kids. I NEVER had the favor returned. This year even my kids opted to go to their father’s on Mothers’ Day. That ticked me a bit, given that I’d always done the right thing. But it is what it is – I’ve moved on. They spent Fathers’ Day with their father too. I’m the one that always makes sure they have all that they need (their father has been unemployed for nearly 10 months now and is ridiculously behind on child support…) But I guess Dad is the "fun" parent these days… (Exh and I own a business together, but he always had maintained full time work in IT, and I have run the business full time. He helps out part-time, even though he’s unemployed – that’s a whole other can of worms).
So this year I didn’t offer him the day off on Fathers’ Day. He didn’t take it either. If it’s just another day for me, then so it should be for him. Ditto on birthdays. Just another day.
These things are only big deals because of the slick marketing by Hallmark and others in the gift industry. We’ve all gone along with it and now many have high expectations.
My boyfriend’s b’day is the day before mine. This year, we are financially strapped, so we didn’t even do cards. My daughter made a cake for both of us – that was sort of unexpected. Personally I’d rather let the day pass without event.
It’s just another day. Blowing it out of proportion by being hurt by your husband’s omission, effectively cancels out all the good he’s done during the rest of the year.
If you want a party and a big deal – organize it for yourself, then you won’t be disappointed. We’re all grown ups. Birthday suprises are for kids, IMO.
Jenn
I used to love doing birthdays, anniversaries, etc. Now I lok around and see all the ‘stuff’ around me, and think ‘What for?’ My husband and I decided very early on that Valentine’s Day is a moot day. And that has become ‘all about us women’ as has most other things in our world. I say back off and let it go. If you have a good man who treats you and the children well, then let THAT be your gift for EVERY occassion!!
Or plan your own party and dinner. At least that way, you won’t be disappointed!You people who don’t care about personal holidays shouldn’t be trying to convert those of us who do anymore that we should be telling you that you SHOULD. Just saying, let it go and appreciate what you’ve got doesn’t do it for me. If drea4713 wants her b.day to be special, she should have it. I feel exactly the same. Not that it has to be a big celebration but I’d at least like some acknowledgement that I’ve made it though yet one more year and they are happy for me that I have. I think everybody should have at least onel day that’s all theirs and they are treated just a little bit special by others. Certainly if you care about someone, wouldn’t you want to do that for them? It’s not really that hard.
BTW, I HATE e-cards. Just my opinion only, but they don’t do it for me. I’m just talking about b.days, not any other occasion. To me it’s like saying the person didn’t care enough to get off their butts and expend a little energy for me. At the VERY least, a "Happy Birthday sweetie. Hope you have a great day!" Am I spoiled? Maybe so, but that’s just how I feel. And I’m sure there are others who feel the same way.
All of what the comments you guysies all said is true, if he’s a good man the other 364 days a year – you lucked out getting him and enjoy what he does bring to the marriage and your life.
However, I’d like to look at this from your prespective, drea4713, alone…I know you all said the for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health thing when you said the "I do’s" however many years ago.
I think though that people forget that feeling they have when they are standing up at the alter after awhile – I’m not talking about the fluttery butterflies and "hot zones" when during the first few years before you hit that comfort zone of companionship and mutal respect – I’m talking about the feeling up at the alter that this person is the most important person in the world to you and you would do anything and everything to make that person "happy".
I know that life gets in the way of that feeling when you are first married – bills, putting a roof over the family’s head and putting food on the table, getting the kids to school, keeping them safe and sound…that just is what happens…
I really think that most of us (and you all know what the statistics are of divorce so I won’t rehash it here – just don’t use "Day’s" as an example), tend to forget though, that "this person is the reason I am up on this alter saying "I do" after a few years…
I think that perhaps you should chat with your husband and tell him how important just even a happy birthday wish from him with maybe a hug and kiss would "send you over moon". It only takes a few minutes of his time and not a great deal of effort to make the lady that’s raised his children and stood by him all those years through good times and through bad times feel loved and wonderful.
Sometimes, I think that we don’t tell the people that we love in life that we love them…God help us if we never get the chance again. Look at all the families of soliders who would love to say "I love you" one more time, or tell a parent who died suddenly, Mom, I love you….Can’t take a wish from a loved one lightly is all I’m saying…it takes such a little effort to say "I love you" but those three words on your birthday or any other day of the year mean the world.
I agree. I posted that I sent my husband an e-card last year for his birthday because I was too sick to drive and go out. He’s always the one saying "it’s just another day" and won’t let me make him a special dinner or anything yet he got upset when I was too sick to get him a card. I did tell him happy birthday the moment I got up but that wasn’t enough. He’s the same way about Father’s Day. He got divorced when his daughter was 5 and she was always with him for the summer for his birthday and over Christmas but since she’s gotten older she forgets birthdays, Christmas and Father’s Day. She lives in Sweden and he realizes they celebrate Father’s Day in November but she doesn’t even acknowledge it them. She’s on Facebook constantly and everyone is wishing everyone else Happy Father’s Day but she can’t get the hint. He’d be happy with an e-card from her.
I also agree that people that don’t like to fuss over ANY holiday are ruining it for those of us that do.
DH is very giving to me on my birthday. I remember his mother died on my birthday and all day he sat by the phone and waited for the call. It was a death watch with her in Idaho and us in Alabama. After he got the call he still went out and bought me a birthday gift and card and had it waiting for me when I got home from work. He planned on taking me out for a nice dinner but asked if I’d mind if his sister and her family tagged along since he wanted to spend time with her. How could I say no, I felt embarassed that anyone even acknowledged my birthday that year BUT if I try to do for him he gets upset. I LOVE doing for him and wanting to make him feel special. He had an abusive father and said he ruined any enjoyment for the holidays or birthdays for him. His ex-wife kicked him out on Valentine’s Day. I feel like I’m banging my head against a brick wall trying to show him that holidays can be happy. The Valentine’s Day before we got married (got married in March) I lived in Chicago and he lived in Alabama but he was going to move to Chicago after the wedding. I sent him a card with my house key inside and told him this was one house he won’t get kicked out of.
Go figure, can’t make him happy by making a fuss and can’t make him happy if you don’t.
Sheesh – the original poster asked for opinions, and that’s what was given. No need to get into an uproar about it.
I’d be happy to trade my biggest problem for being a bit put out that my significant other didn’t wish me a happy birthday. I doubt I’ll have any takers on this though.
Maybe when I was younger I’d have been more sensitive about it, but at the ripe "old" age of 43, I’ve come to realize that there are some hills worth dying on, but most of them aren’t.
IMO, ado about a birthday, anniversary, Christmas or that it’s Tuesday, is NOT a hill I’d die on, or cause grief with my significant other about. Not worth it in the bigger picture, IMO.
And like I signed off on my first post in the thread, it’s just my humble opinion.
The OP wanted food for thought is all – that’s my bit.
Jenn
Although Mom didn’t always take her own advice…
She always said, "Expect the worst, you’ll never be disappointed." Sometimes we set our expectations too high, and we set ourselves up for disappointment.
If you *expect* nothing, then anything will be welcome and appreciated, and if you receive nothing, it’s no biggie.
Placing our own expectations on others will almost inevitably lead to disappointment.
Jenn
I certainly didn’t mean to tell anyone that they had to convert to my way of thinking. I just agree with JennM, there are some hills worth dying on, but this certainly is not one of them for me. My husband and I have an awesome relationship, and I know how blessed I am for that. It doesn’t matter to me if we celebrate ‘occasions’ or not. We have a ‘date’ every other week, and that is more than enough for me. JMHO
been together 43 years, 38 of them as a married couple. My birthday is January 12 and for many of those years, he thought it was the 13th! In the early years, we went out to dinner; but, as the years have gone by he’s forgotten more often than he remembers. At first I was very hurt, thinking that I just didn’t matter that much in the scheme of things. I’d clam up and be a bit aloof or cool to him until he figured out what was wrong. Then I realized that remembering that one date out of the year was something that just wasn’t programmed into his mindset. I just decided to ask a few days prior to the birthday where we were going to to eat on that day. He’d usually look at me with that "deer in the headlights look" and then the lightbulb would go on and he’d make a reminder note to himself where we planned to go. I know it’s not the most romantic way to have your loved one remember your birthday; but knowing that we are committed to each other in every other way is more important to me. I’m not saying it didn’t hurt for a number of years…it did. I just had to decide how I was going to let it affect me personally along with our overall relationship. We now joke about it with our friends and I’m always surprised to find out how many more couples have a similar situation. Now for some reason, he remembers our anniversary…go figure! I guess remembering one is better than not remembering any! I do feel your pain and hope you can find a way to handle it that’s best for you.
I just wanted to say thanks for all your opinions. I know I am not the only one who has had this happen, so it was good to hear how everyone else handles it. I did bring it up to my husband and tell him that he hurt my feelings and that just because he’s not good at something doesn’t mean he’s excused from trying. Marriage to both of us is constantly striving to grow and pursuing each other and trying to make each other happy. He understood and knew that he hurt me. I am confident he will do better next year and I have put it behind me. We have been married 6 years now, so I know we’re still learning what each other needs.
I truly treasure all my Days’ friends input and care, thanks again!
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.